Fade
Posted by Erin Lohden at 6/5/2008 12:13 AM and is filed under uncategorized 
I don't know what happened today. Somewhere I crossed a line. For now, grief consumes me.
I've heard "think about the other animals who need you"...I know they do, just as I need them. But with one missing and my insides being simply the essence of dust I have nothing to give. Only take.
I don't care about anything. The house. J's job. Money. Bills. Putting gas in the car. I'm done with that shit. Someone else can do them.
I just have to get Kissy home. I'm not as strong as those 123-day people. Maybe not even the 42-day people. I'm cracking open, crumbling, after 15 days.
Around 9 we got a call for a possible sighting. In Pinedale, which is 15-20 minutes away. Unlikely. Regardless of how far-fetched I wanted it to be him. I wanted to see him, scoop him up in my pillowcase, get him home in my bed, and cry my eyes out. Instead we got pulled over by an itty-bitty cop who gave me lip about all sorts of things, which I promptly spewed right back at him. I don't care about going to jail. Lemme have it dickwad. I'll keep on going as you book me. I have plenty to say for days.
The cop also made this statement when J explained why he was going over the speed limit on a ROAD THAT HAD 1 OTHER VEHICLE ON IT: Checking a sighting for a lost cat doesn't justify going over the speed limit. And at that very moment I wanted to lunge over J, climb out the window, and dropkick that little weasel right in his nuts. Kick him so damn hard you can see those nasty things coming out his mouth. Fury exploded through my already grief-ridden body. What in the FUCK was that man thinking? What if it was a sighting for his lost kid? Yeah, totally different I know. No it's not. It's exactly the same. Blow it up your ass. Wyoming can kiss my ass. I hate it. I wish there would be a nuclear bomb here.
At the sighting location we caught sight of a possible orange kitty, but who the hell knows. I tried to trap, got a black kitty, and then we left because J shoved so many sticks up his ass while at work that it wasn't possible to pull them out manually. And the whole cop/me thing shoved a few more up his ass so his behavior was so close to my last nerve that I fought from punching him in the face.
He doesn't understand. He loves Sunkist. He wants him home. But he doesn't really get it. Can't he see my personality weeping from my body and spreading across the floor? Can't he feel the air I breathe out is cold? Can't he see how I'm being swallowed? That there's nothing inside? Everything has moved out to a more habitable location.
I don't know what I'll do, how I'll do, how I'll live, if he doesn't get back home.
I've heard "think about the other animals who need you"...I know they do, just as I need them. But with one missing and my insides being simply the essence of dust I have nothing to give. Only take.
I don't care about anything. The house. J's job. Money. Bills. Putting gas in the car. I'm done with that shit. Someone else can do them.
I just have to get Kissy home. I'm not as strong as those 123-day people. Maybe not even the 42-day people. I'm cracking open, crumbling, after 15 days.
Around 9 we got a call for a possible sighting. In Pinedale, which is 15-20 minutes away. Unlikely. Regardless of how far-fetched I wanted it to be him. I wanted to see him, scoop him up in my pillowcase, get him home in my bed, and cry my eyes out. Instead we got pulled over by an itty-bitty cop who gave me lip about all sorts of things, which I promptly spewed right back at him. I don't care about going to jail. Lemme have it dickwad. I'll keep on going as you book me. I have plenty to say for days.
The cop also made this statement when J explained why he was going over the speed limit on a ROAD THAT HAD 1 OTHER VEHICLE ON IT: Checking a sighting for a lost cat doesn't justify going over the speed limit. And at that very moment I wanted to lunge over J, climb out the window, and dropkick that little weasel right in his nuts. Kick him so damn hard you can see those nasty things coming out his mouth. Fury exploded through my already grief-ridden body. What in the FUCK was that man thinking? What if it was a sighting for his lost kid? Yeah, totally different I know. No it's not. It's exactly the same. Blow it up your ass. Wyoming can kiss my ass. I hate it. I wish there would be a nuclear bomb here.
At the sighting location we caught sight of a possible orange kitty, but who the hell knows. I tried to trap, got a black kitty, and then we left because J shoved so many sticks up his ass while at work that it wasn't possible to pull them out manually. And the whole cop/me thing shoved a few more up his ass so his behavior was so close to my last nerve that I fought from punching him in the face.
He doesn't understand. He loves Sunkist. He wants him home. But he doesn't really get it. Can't he see my personality weeping from my body and spreading across the floor? Can't he feel the air I breathe out is cold? Can't he see how I'm being swallowed? That there's nothing inside? Everything has moved out to a more habitable location.
I don't know what I'll do, how I'll do, how I'll live, if he doesn't get back home.
Im sorry the cop was such a butt wad! Tomorrow will be better. Justin will have to pull them sticks out eventually. And the cops around here are getting shit for not writing enough tickets this month, so the asshole was surely trying to meet his quota for the city. Asshole none the less.
Reply to this
A coworker of mine held out hope that her Jack Russell Terrier would come home for 2 months. He never did and 1 year later, she still feels his loss everyday. But, almost 9 months after losing her first dog, her other dog disappeared for 2 weeks and just showed up one day.
I tell you this so that you know ANYTHING is possible. Sometimes we DO get what we want. And when we don't, it's ok to be sad for a very long time.
I'm still praying.
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
Reply to this