18
Posted by Erin Lohden at 6/7/2008 2:53 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
I don't remember life ever moving so slowly. It drags quietly from sleep to trapping, always with Sunkist in mind. I feel like I've lived a century in these 18 days. Physically, I'm hanging in. Mentally, I'm coping. Emotionally, I'm losing grasp quicker than life is moving these days.
I'm starting to lose perspective. What exactly am I doing? How did I get in this place of hope when I haven't seen my boy in 18 days? 18 days. What reason, what right do I have to hope for this? This feels absurd sometimes. I feel people cringing at the story.
Sometimes I feel so positive...in my gut I just know he's going to be in that trap. Yesterday I just knew he'd show up on the porch one day. He never is in the trap. And I don't know if he'll show up on the porch. But I feel like I'm constantly grasping for straws.
I thought I heard him the other day. But there are so many strange noises here at night that sound like his scratchy-little-meow. It was never repeated, though I sat on the frigid ground and spoke to the wind, even sang. My insides felt raw as I walked inside.
The way it does every morning when I finally go to sleep.
Sometime between dawn and noon I had a headstone dream. I can't even speak the words audibly. Please let it mean nothing. I've been hoping for dreams again and there's been nothing. Except that.
Yesterday two women called with sightings. Both lived on the same street in our subdivision, quite far away, on the other end and across a ridge. Both saw an orange cat, one woman captured an orange cat—female. It must've been the same cat. But what if the captive female cat wasn't the same cat the other woman saw?
Then there's the Pinedale sighting. By a bank. We investigated without much success.
And then there's the truck theory. What if, on the day he escaped, he got in J's truck and rode to work with him and is now wandering around that place? Mostly we must be making up possibilities to explain why we can't see him.
But what if those sightings are real? I can't get it out of my mind. The sightings have made things worse. I'm doubting myself, plagued by thoughts. What if I'm not doing the best thing I can?
I caught nothing last night. I hope the magic day comes soon.
It's been 18 days.
I'm starting to lose perspective. What exactly am I doing? How did I get in this place of hope when I haven't seen my boy in 18 days? 18 days. What reason, what right do I have to hope for this? This feels absurd sometimes. I feel people cringing at the story.
Sometimes I feel so positive...in my gut I just know he's going to be in that trap. Yesterday I just knew he'd show up on the porch one day. He never is in the trap. And I don't know if he'll show up on the porch. But I feel like I'm constantly grasping for straws.
I thought I heard him the other day. But there are so many strange noises here at night that sound like his scratchy-little-meow. It was never repeated, though I sat on the frigid ground and spoke to the wind, even sang. My insides felt raw as I walked inside.
The way it does every morning when I finally go to sleep.
Sometime between dawn and noon I had a headstone dream. I can't even speak the words audibly. Please let it mean nothing. I've been hoping for dreams again and there's been nothing. Except that.
Yesterday two women called with sightings. Both lived on the same street in our subdivision, quite far away, on the other end and across a ridge. Both saw an orange cat, one woman captured an orange cat—female. It must've been the same cat. But what if the captive female cat wasn't the same cat the other woman saw?
Then there's the Pinedale sighting. By a bank. We investigated without much success.
And then there's the truck theory. What if, on the day he escaped, he got in J's truck and rode to work with him and is now wandering around that place? Mostly we must be making up possibilities to explain why we can't see him.
But what if those sightings are real? I can't get it out of my mind. The sightings have made things worse. I'm doubting myself, plagued by thoughts. What if I'm not doing the best thing I can?
I caught nothing last night. I hope the magic day comes soon.
It's been 18 days.
Comments