This is quite the saga.  A saga that I'd give just about anything to turn back time and avoid altogether. 

The new website is coming along.  In many ways I feel so guilty spending time on it.  Guilty for doing anything but search for him.

But searching seems so futile these days.  Wandering around in sagebrush 6" tall.  Never being able to get within 10 feet of the neighbors' homes because they are all deranged maniacs.  Walking the same several acres calling him and getting no response.  Wondering where he could actually be hiding.  Doubting that he's even out there.

I held myself together a bit better today—actually smiled and bitched about the burritos J wanted to make for dinner.  Managed to wash several items in our dirty laundry mountain, which resides right in the middle of the entryway, and is quite pleasant to look at let me tell you.  But, the tears are present, and also a new wash of rage.  Every bark, every hug, every nuisance, makes me want to lash out.  I'm so unbelievably frustrated and doubting every single ounce of hope that enters my mind.  And I just want to be alone to work through this. 

I'm afraid for him.  Two days ago I started looking out the window routinely, something I'd been avoiding.  It's not a planned activity and I find myself confused when I realize what I'm doing.  I'm actually, without realizing it, expecting to see him out there.  I'm expecting him. 

I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind.  Today (2:30 AM—yeah, that's mid-day for me now) I plan to block everything out, play the same CD over and over and over again until I could perform a concert and J dreams about living inside one of the songs, and make this house livable.  Or at least be able to see the countertops. 

Avoidance at it's best.